Before I get into any of my drunken adventures, I have a couple things to say. First, it has come to my attention that Tim did not create the word “Va-Jay-Jay” After exposing it to several people over the course of last night I was finally informed that apparently the word was used on the show “Grey’s Anatomy”, which basically killed the word for me.
Secondly, I need to introduce you to some more characters in the pop culture reference filled movie that is my life. I call them “The Crew” and in a weird sort of way, we’re like a really dysfunctional “A-Team”. The reason I say this is that we all have our own special areas of interest and expertise and if you see us in public we pretty much look like the weirdest combination of people ever. Let me introduce you:
Klister: He’s our weapons expert/ tech guy and quick with the “you know how I know you’re gay” jokes. He has sort of a disturbing love of knives. It could have been born of his late night hours, playing on his computer and catching one of those redneck knife shopping programs that came on during the 4-5 am hours in our neck of the woods, but I’m just speculating. Klister has a love, hate relationship with computers; he loves them, but hates working on them. Klister also could be called the human sloth, he works third shift so he gets up at like 5 pm every day, and spends 3 hours groggily looking around his room. He’s usually conscious by bar time on the weekends which is decent. Klister is defined by his token Dr. Pepper hat, which is currently in its third incarnation after the other two met horrible demises. So horrible I won’t list them here, mainly because I forgot.
Nik: Looking really, really ridiculously good looking is an asset that Nik brings to the table. He’s a former male model and it doesn’t hurt to have a face in the party, someone to reel in the ladies or get us a few free drinks here or there. Nik is also our network specialist. The guy has way too much fucking time on his hands so he knows absolutely everyone because he’s a big brother, plays in a bowling, volleyball, racket ball, tennis, flip cup, ping pong, pool, softball, basket ball, and male synchronized swimming league. We’re hard pressed to go anywhere in this town without him knowing somebody and then me shaking their hand mere seconds later. Networking can be a curse however, when you get people you don’t want to hang out with stuck to you. Nik basically wears the most stylish crap you can find which often leads to me answering to random people “while he may look it, Nik isn’t Gay”
Tim: You’ve already met him from my previous entries; he’s my partner in crime. As far as the crew goes he’s sort of our underworld guy. He’s terrified of the police for no apparent reason, but if you need a guy who knows a guy, who is the brother of a guy, who married to the sister of a guy who can get you a cheap price on a moped, Tim can probably help you out. Tim’s also a bartender so he’s always willing to try messed up drinks, or torture us in a game of 7,14,21 by making us drink the worst shot imaginable. He was there for the creation of the golden shower, the most despicable drink ever created. Tim, being obsessed with music as he is can pretty much be constantly seen wearing a random band T shirt and his signature green hat, cocked slightly to the side.
And where do I fit into the grand scheme of things? I’m the facilitator. I’m usually the wheel man because I love to drive and I just put in a sound system in the car so we can rock the hell out when we need to. I also bring the group together; I am the cohesive element that allows our estranged friendships to work the awesome-tastic ways it does. In a way I’m also the unforeseen enforcer of the group. While Tim looks like the edgy scrapper of the group, they’ll never see the pain train coming from the big funny guy who looks like he’s 12.
Anyways, I figure it’s time for a recap of what all went down last night. My night started at the Bar that Tim works at. It’s not a real fun place to hang out, but I figure that the kid needs to see a friendly face to know what he’s fighting for while participating in the war that is keeping Wisconsin in a constant alcoholic haze. Tim introduced me last week to a young lady over at a charity bowling event. She was going to be in town again, so I decided to give her a buzz. It turns out when chicks are driving cars with their friends; they basically act like they are on a controlled substance. I spent the better part of 10 minutes trying to fight to get her attention away from her friend who was in the car. It was like being part of 4 different conversations at the same time. I opted to have her give me a call when she knew what was going on. We usually start our night out at a bar that Nik knows the owners, so we get treated pretty well there.
This is where I introduce you to one of Nik’s personal Kryptonite’s: Spooky Spins. Spooky Spins is a bar game, pretty much a digital slot machine on crack. You put your money in and you can bet anywhere between 5 cents or 4 bucks per spin all at the hopes of hitting it rich. Now it’s a fantastic way to spend some time if you’re waiting for someone to show up, but sometimes Nik gets a little crazy with it, like dumping 400 bucks into the machine sorta crazy. Now it’s not like it’s a wasted investment because the next day he can put 20 bucks in and make 750 back, but sometimes the machine Karma isn’t always there. So this past weekend Nik had a near biblical revelation, I need to quit doing that, cause I lose more than I make.” So this weekend he tasked me to be his will power. Now like any addiction, going cold turkey is really tough. so I said “Nik, you can spend 10 dollars and we’ll see what happens”, couple spins later, he’s up 40 bucks. I tell him to take the win and we slowly inch away from the machine. When we get to the bar it’s like he’s a damn local celebrity, he’s hugging everybody and I’m shaking hands left and right meeting new people, most of which I won’t remember their names.
A half an hour goes by and a flurry of beer and shots are dispensed and things are looking good for our hero. My phone rings, the crazy chick called me back and wanted us to go visit this bar I’d never been to before. This part of the story isn’t really relevant because I end up being an asshole of epic proportions, so I’d prefer to skip it, but my friend Kurt ends up meeting us there so myself, Kurt, and Nik headed over to our home away from home, The Firehouse. We roll in and I get the celebrity treatment, hugs and kisses from the lovely bartenders and a Rolling Rock is in my hand before I even had a chance to sit down. That’s fucking service. The details of our time here aren’t overly important, we get bothered by someone, I win paper rock scissors in a best 2 out of 3 showdown, and Nik gets Pizza drunk (which occurs when he’s had quite a bit to drink, he constantly rubs his eyes and his temples, and then orders a frozen pizza from the bar and he sits and takes like an hour to eat it.)
Kurt drives me over to Tim’s bar again, I figure at this point of the night he could use a friendly face just as much, if not more, than earlier. I roll up buy a beer and am left with a single dollar bill. I look over at the spooky spins in the corner and tell Tim what I’m doing, He shakes his head and hands me a fiver, a Lincoln if you will. I take my 6 bucks over to the machine and put in the funds. Now at this point in the night, I’m pretty much out of it. At the time I was so confused on why I was messed up like this, but then I remembered at a later time that I had consumed half a bottle of Fire breathing bear wine. For those who haven’t tried it. It’s a delight and besides it’s got a fucking bear that breathes fire on the label, which is known worldwide as a sign of awesome
So I drunkenly start to hit the buttons watching my 6 bucks disappear into nothingness. Then all of a sudden the screen lights up and I had somehow won 46 bucks and some odd change. I shrug, play down to 40 bucks and cash out. That money would be later used to purchase a McDonald’s Feast or buy Tim some cigarettes.
I walked back home to the house where I was welcomed by its amazingly empty presence. It was just me. So I foraged around the house for a snack and then I climbed into bed and got down to business… Stargate Atlantis business.
well thats it for another day
-Jeric
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